Every year, the Christmas season and everything that goes with it—the overplayed music, excessive eating, and that controversial red Starbucks mug—seems to come too early.
And every year, Tis also the season for product companies to use ‘Top 10’ or ‘Must Have’ stocking stuffer blogs to try to convince us vulnerable and easily-influenced consumers to buy whatever useless gadget they’re trying to sell.
The CrossFit community—a community that boasts a mix of ambitious entrepreneurs trying to get a piece of the pie and eager consumers willing to try anything to improve their performance—is especially guilty of this.
REMEMBER WHEN CROSSFIT ATHLETES BELIEVED SKINS WOULD IMPROVE THEIR PERFORMANCE BY 10-15%?
Don’t get duped this year into filling stockings with gimmicks that will spend the next 12 months collecting dust in a drawer before getting re-gifted to the next sucker a year later!
Now before you go accusing Blonyx of being Scrouge-like this Christmas, we’re not opposed to stockings, and we’re not opposed to appreciated and practical stocking stuffers, so we’re also providing you with quality alternatives.
Top 10 Worst Stocking Stuffers for the CrossFit Athlete
10. Shaker Bottle: I’m not bashing the shaker bottle, per se. We all need 1, but have 20. Unless you’re in your first month of CrossFit, though, you probably don’t need a 21st shaker bottle to store in your overflowing tupperware drawer. Worse still might be the MyoBottle—a $44 anal-beed-resembling hydration vessel that also claims to act as a mobility tool.
WATER BOTTLE OR SEX TOY?
BETTER ALTERNATIVE: Bring the thermos back!
We all took a thermos in our lunchbox from time-to-time in Grade 2, but they seem to have fallen out of circulation from our lives today. Warm leftover chicken and rice is always better than eating it cold between working out and coaching a class (as long as it’s not the lame KB-shaped thermos lunchbox).
9. Snatch Soap: Snatch jokes on t-shirts stopped making people smirk in 2011—the same time people realized there was no way to stop the inevitable stench from going sock-less in their Vibram FiveFingers. Now we’re condoning snatch jokes on soap?
BETTER ALTERNATIVE: Make it personal!
If you’re stuffing someone’s stocking, you probably have an intimate enough relationship with them that you have access to their bathroom. Check out the lotions and body washes they use and purchase with confidence knowing the product will be appreciated.
8. ‘Yay burpees' socks? Why are we cheering for movements on socks?
SOCK ALTERNATIVE: Big ass wool socks!
Especially if you live in a winter state or province. Remember, we still have long winter months to get through.
7. Hopper Deck: For those who haven’t heard of this product, it’s a deck of playing cards with 54 known and unknowable workouts—a different WOD on each card—allowing for easy, random workout selection for those who apparently struggle to draft a well-thought-out training plan and would rather leave their fitness fate to the poker deck. It costs $20. And is currently sold out. Sigh.
CARD DECK ALTERNATIVE: Wizard!
CrossFit athletes everywhere could benefit from finding hobbies that don’t involve barbells. Wizard is a great card game, easy to learn, and challenges your brain.
6. Any product with the name “WOD” in the title: From WOD Paleo soap, to WOD repair lotion to a host of other WOD-one-thing-or-another apparel companies, using WOD in your company’s name shows not just a lack of creativity in your branding, but it also screams douchebaggery to all those who don’t do CrossFit—the very people affiliate owners and coaches are trying to bring into—not scare away—from the community.
T-SHIRT ALTERNATIVE: T-shirt blanket!
Turn the 50 to 100 CrossFit t-shirts your loved one has accumulated from various throwdowns through the years—many of which he or she has never worn—into a t-shirt couch or beach blanket. Or if you’re not a skilled sewer, hire a professional to sew the blanket for you.
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR EXCESSIVE CROSSFIT T-SHIRT COLLECTION? TURN THEM INTO A PERFECT COUCH BLANKET!
5. AMRAP Bumper Sticker: Yes, this product actually exists. Someone out there is driving around proudly with an AMRAP bumper sticker. No further explanation required.
STICKY ALTERNATIVE: Athletic Tape or ROCK tape! All CrossFit athletes will need a new roll of tape, likely sooner as opposed to later. If I had a penny for how many times I have seen someone look down at his hands mid-workout and desperately ask, “Does anyone have tape?”…
4. Anything “Paleo”: From Paleo Kits, to Primal Packs, to Caveman cookies, Paleo is dead. Mat Fraser eats ice cream. Rich Froning, pizza.
MAT FRASER POUNDS BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM WITH WHOLE MILK AT 9:45. HE CALLS IT THE GAINZ BOWL. "IT'S AMAZING...IT'S JUST SO MANY CALORIES." - Mat Fraser
SWEET ALTERNATIVE: Chocolate!
It’s Christmas—the time to Indulge in some good quality milk or dark chocolate...Hang on, why hasn’t someone created WODChocolate yet?
3. Headbands: This includes “WOD” headbands, “Paleo” headbands and “Rx” headbands. In fact, “Rx” brands have the same shortcoming as “WOD” and “Paleo” companies: Creativity problem. Douchebaggery.
HEAD ALTERNATIVE: Swim Goggles!
Although swimming might not be part of your loved one’s current weekly training prescription, it is one of the most functional movements—as well as therapeutic and a great recovery tools—we can do. If nothing else, it might encourage him or her to get out of the gym from time-to-time and head to the pool.
2. PRs on Clothing: It’s bad enough CrossFit athletes notoriously boast about their PRs on social media. We don’t need our athletes running around with ‘Just PR’d it’ tank tops, too. Keep your #gainz and ego measurements to yourself.
MEASUREMENT ALTERNATIVE: A meat thermometer!
CrossFit athletes tend to be carnivores. A meat thermometer is the foolproof way to ensure a perfectly medium rare filet mignon or prime rib.
1. The trendy “Pre-Workout” supplement of the week: Christmas is our last true rest period—sometimes even our last week of enjoying alcohol—before many of us ramp up and dial in for the Open. Do we really need our stocking to include pre-workout powder to add to the looming pressure we know we’re going to feel?
PERFORMANCE ALTERNATIVE: Blonyx, of course!
…But, if you do want to go down that supplement route, why not show the athlete that you love how much you care by gifting him or her a cleaner, more researched supplement. Click here to find out more about Blonyx, creatine and HMB.
I think we just pumped our own brand in a stocking stuffers list. Tis the season, I guess.